Being Vulnerable

On the outside, I smile, laugh and put up a strong front.

On the inside, the story is different. There is a war of emotions – joy is battling grief, rage is wrestling with tranquility, and love is dominated by loneliness. But, I’m okay with this.

This past weekend as I sat staring aimlessly into the stained glass windows at church, words from the sermon slowly crept into my mind. Very powerful words that resonated with me and in a sense validated much of what I’ve been dealing with lately.

Those words were…

Vulnerability is the path to courage and strength.

These writings are a prime example of being vulnerable. I’m putting it all out there for the world to see. I’ve experienced every emotion possible these past 2.5 years.Will people think I’m less of a man because of it? I doubt it, life served me a gigantic shit sandwich. It forced me out of my comfort zone and made me put other people’s needs before my needs. I had to check my ego at the door and open up to people that I wouldn’t have necessarily opened up to.  At first, I tried to keep them bottled up to “remain strong”. I then realized that a flood of emotions would hit me at the most inopportune time, typically when my family needed me most.

I was scared.

Scared for what the future had in store for my wife. We were supposed to grow old together, watch our kids blossom into wonderful adults then set sail off into the sunset together.

Scared for my children. No child should have to witness their mom go through and eventually succumb to cancer.

Scared for myself. Did I have it in me to care for her and the kids simultaneously?

It was then that I started to open up – to Laura, to family, and to friends.

There’s something powerful about being open with your feelings. Being vulnerable allows your emotions to run their course. By opening up, you’re no longer keeping anything in. It’s not an easy task, it can be difficult and even painful. Being vulnerable opened up doors that might not have been available had I decided to “remain strong” and keep everything bottled up.

Keep in mind, there’s a time and place to be vulnerable. If someone I barely know asks me how I’m doing, I don’t unload everything that’s going on with my life. That’s not really fair to them and I’d probably catch them off guard a little. But, with family and close friends, I have no problem telling them how I’m doing. If I’m not open with them, then I’ll never get through these difficult times. I need them to be there when I fall by the wayside, to pick me back up, to let me know that it will get better and that things will improve. I need that strength. I need that courage.

And the only way I can do that is to be vulnerable.